Why does heartbreak hurt?

I saw her today. It seemed like forever. I would choose her over anyone else.  But remembered how bad that break-up hurt. Today it’s not the goodbye that hurts but the flashbacks that follow.

Relationships are incredibly full-filling. Building a life with another person requires investing emotionally and physically to build a relationship. And when all that doesn't work out, is not at all easy to accept and deal with. There is so much to deal with emotionally as well as physically. If you have ever split up with someone you surely understand that life post break up is hard.

The body goes through flight or fight response while dealing with a breakup. Especially when they are unexpected. Flight or fight response trains your body to deal with forthcoming danger. Muscles become tense, lose appetite, trouble falling asleep and gastrointestinal disturbances. Being in this stage for long periods can trigger headaches, stomachaches, and sour muscles.  A Study published in 2010 has shown that sometimes heartbreaks might feel like physical pain. The body responds to a broken heart similar to physical injury. The same areas of the brain are activated in response to heartbreak and physical pain. These same neurological structures translate the conscious experience of pain.

Going through a break-up changes your brain composition. There is a drop in the production of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin which are associated with the feeling of pleasure and happiness. Post break up there is a state of acute craving for your ex making it difficult to concentrate.

Humans have a drive for rational explanations and logical solutions. When our plans don't work we tend to look for our mistakes to rationalize. But relationships aren't all black and white often we aren't able to find one reason for what went wrong. Unfortunately with no concrete reason, we start blaming ourselves. Asking questions like -

Why did the relationship not work? Because of all my shortcomings.

Why doesn't he/she/they want to be with me? Because I am not beautiful/ attractive/ fun/ smart enough.

My ex didn't love me? Because I'm not loveable.

Rejection leads us to change views and opinions about ourselves. You become self-critical evaluating yourself negatively leading to the feeling of inadequacy. Breakups often lead to reduced self-concept. You begin to doubt the level of trust, care, and love accorded by your partner.

One simple and obvious reason is that your routine is disrupted. When you spend so much time with someone you start engaging in the same activities. Sudden change is disrupted. This dislike for changes causes distress.

The withdrawal symptoms of missing your Ex (loss of love) are so intense that it has been considered equivalent to cocaine withdrawal. It affects your ability to think, concentrate, and functioning in the broadest perspective. The brain keeps on bringing up memories of your Ex with thoughts about "what if".

The rejected partner is at a spectrum where they go through early stages of grief. A study also found post-break-up emotional states closely resembling clinical depression. A 2012 study on Israeli couples 2 years post-divorce found that mental health is poorer in individuals who are less educated, older, have anxious or avoidant attachment style, or fear intimacy.

You need to remind yourself that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, miserable, and let down after a breakup. Take your time to overcome the loss of a relationship. Give yourself time and space to heal. So sleeping in and hibernating for a while is completely normal. Your brain needs to process what happened and this perfectly gives you the opportunity.

Avoiding your ex helps to step back from them and get some perspective, this includes not checking their social media. Plan to keep yourself busy. Take time for doing all the things that you love like watching movies, catch-up on all TV shows, meditate, read or play some sport.

Start something new it could be a new hobby or a course. New experiences reassure you there is a lot more to life. Get that dopamine pumping. Grieving over a relationship shouldn’t be done alone. Surrounding yourself with loved ones doesn’t fill the void but the support makes it easy. Probably a cliché but list out all the times your ex hurt you or write a long letter to your ex telling them how it made you feel pour out your heart on paper. And then burn or flush it down the toilet. You could even make the list of everything bad about your ex as wallpaper to remind you your partner wasn’t perfect.

You’re healing and happiness lies with you, don’t give someone else the power to disrupt it.

There is no sugar coating the fact that breakups are hard. So next time someone says it's just a breakup. Refer them to our article so they know it's not just a breakup.